Friday, January 30, 2009

Colonoscopy and Chick F'ila


"Make sure it's on toasted wheat bread"; is what I kept repeating until I was finally stuffing it down my throat with no attention to the disgusting sloppy sounds I was making. This is how the scene unfolded in the Chick f'ila drive through immediately following my colonoscopy. Now I have no recollection of this and perhaps it didn't really happen and it's a cruel joke being played on me by Jeff.

The colonoscopy procedure wasn't bad at all, that's because I was totally unconscious. I think they had to give me a double dose to knock me out and keep me out long enough....hence the "not remembering" the chicken sandwich. It was the prep that almost sent me to my early grave.

Has any else out there ever taken 4 ducolux, 2 Reglan, and drank a gallon of powerade loaded with 258 grams of Miralax?

So you would think that all of that would have cleaned out my system in one or two foul (foul-smelling) swoops and I could have gone to bed and been ready the next morning for the roter rooter snake tool. But nooooooooo all that did was give me terrible cramps and make me pee all night.

Now let me back up a minute a tell you about the side effects of Reglan.

  • tremors, or restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck;

  • mask-like appearance of the face;

  • fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats, rapid breathing;

  • depressed mood, thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself;

  • hallucinations, anxiety, agitation, jittery feeling, trouble staying still;

  • swelling, fluid retention;

  • jaundice (yellowing of your skin or eyes); or

  • seizure (convulsions).

Less serious side effects may include:

  • feeling restless, drowsy, tired, or dizzy;

  • headache, sleep problems (insomnia);

  • nausea, diarrhea;

  • breast tenderness or swelling;

  • changes in your menstrual periods; or

  • urinating more than usual.

So there you go! I had almost all of these with the exception of diarrhea...hello...the one side effect that I NEEDED! Yes, I really felt crazy and out of my mind. I mean, more than normal.

Back to the post medication effects....................................................................

At 1:30am I woke with a start. Not just a mild startle that makes you wake slightly and look around. No this was like a bullet that shot me out of my bed like a racing horse out of it's gate at the sound of the gunshot. I wasn't sure I could even make it from the bed to the toilet (only 3 ft away) but I did make it and was flabbergasted by the force at which my body used to expel the powerade mixture. I believe the gas behind it lifted me 2ft off of the seat. Yes, the force was with me even stronger than it was with Luke Skywalker.

I felt relieved and was glad "it" finally happened. I layed back down for a nice long nap before my procedure in the morning. That was not the end of it (no pun intended). This violent act against my very nature was repeated every 30 minutes until 4am. It coincided with the surprise arrival of my dad all the way from Texas! Wow. Two surprise in one night, what a day it was going to be! I still was having milder trips to the bathroom all the way up to the time to leave. I was afraid that this prep was not a good one and that they may not even do the procedure because this ordeal did not go by the book. I figured I was not as "clean" as the doctor needed me to be, but I went on anyway and would explain it to the nurse when I got there.

This all leads me to the conclusion of my epic (tail) tale. The doctor said everything looked fine, no polyps only internal hemorrhoids. (I guess one is better than the other, huh?) He did say it was quite messy in there and wondered if I followed the instructions properly. What? "Messy in there?" He should have seen my toilet bowl! Messy? What did he expect? Something you could eat off of? Good grief, Mr. Doctor, I'm sorry my butthole was not clean enough for you! I did try and I did follow the stupid directions even while I was half out of my mind from the drug you prescribed!

So apparently, I demanded a chicken salad sandwich from Chick f'ila on toasted wheat once I got into the car. Jeff said I kept repeating "...on toasted wheat bread..." and I made him tell the woman in the drive through twice and made him check when we got it. Geesh, I don't know why I was so hell bent on toasted wheat bread. Go figure.

Oh and the doctor told Jeff I would live at least another 5 years in time for my next colonoscopy.

No thanks.
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