This morning I had a complete come-apart. By 6:25am I was wailing with tears streaming down my cheeks on the phone with my finance' speaking an unrecognizable language to him. You know what I mean, when you're sobbing so hard the other person can't understand a thing you're saying. There I was sitting in my car in the driveway squalling because my son had missed the bus. Sounds CRAZY, right? Well maybe I am crazy! At least I feel that way sometimes. Of course I wasn't upset just because he missed the bus, there were a lot of contributing factors leading up to that moment. But right that second I felt like I couldn't go on anymore, like it was the end of my rope and there was no way I could function in this world any longer.
Let me give you a run down of the events leading up to the total melt-down. First I woke up and had to run to the bathroom with diarrhea (a continuation from the day before), then I went into the kitchen to cook the boys egg-in-the-toast (a favorite). Not a clean skillet in the whole kitchen. So I washed one and prepared to cook. No clean spatula so I used a metal spoon on a non-stick surface to flip the toast. (I know, terrible idea-I was tired of that skillet anyway) I broke the eggs every time using the spoon. The whole time I'm running back and forth to the bathroom like I was in some kind of relay race. I got them fed and dared to drink a cup of coffee. Then it came, "there's no socks", "where's my jeans", "I can't find my shoes"! I look at the clock, Oh God, we're running late for the bus stop. After yelling and screaming at my oldest to get in the car so we can make the bus stop, we jump in and the key is missing. (I always leave it in the ignition in the garage.) Then, suddenly I begin to beat my fist against the steering wheel while obscene profanities began spewing forth from my mouth. Who was this mad woman? My son, looking at me with such shock and horror ran into the house to find the key. He gives it to me hoping that I will stop beating the wheel and cussing like a sailor. We back out of the garage at the speed of light and fly down the driveway towards the bus stop. We got to it, damn! we missed it. I raced to the second neighborhood entrance to catch it at the next pick up spot, damn! it was already pulling off. I began chasing it and screaming at it, again using more profanity. Then, ding ding ding, great, I'm out of gas! I stopped the car and started to turn around when the car started making a horrible grinding noise. It got louder and louder as we headed back to the house. I thought, did I run over something or worse someone? and I'm dragging it underneath my car? We pulled back in the driveway. Tired and defeated I sat there, in my car, alone and began to sob uncontrollably. That is when I called J. and went into hysterics over the phone with him. He told me to go back inside (I had to anyway because I realized I needed to let some more brown water run through me again-I know disgusting) and that he would be over right away to take my son to school, call the repair shop for me and take care of me. He was so wonderful. I would have not made it through my morning had he not helped.
On a more serious note:
I'm starting to feel a little better. It's still only 10am. I couldn't go to work because of the stomach issue and my head is pounding. But at least everything is under control thanks to my sweet man. I do hope my day gets better. And, I feel awful for acting that way in front of my child. But I'm only human. I have been under a great deal of stress. (job) The stress is beginning to take it's toll, I know that. Decisions have to be made, life-changing decisions, that I don't like to deal with. When you allow things to continue your body has a way of making you stop and pay attention. I have been experiencing these stomach issues for a month now. I'm always tired and I seem to have a complete lack of focus and memory. I've been trying to do things to cope with the situation (walking a little, diet changes, etc) but my body is now screaming at me to make some bigger changes. This morning made me realize the gravity of my situation. As a saying I used to hear a lot, when I was a Mary Kay Cosmetics consultant, goes: "Things will remain the same until the Pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the Pain of Change" I believe I have come to that point.