Here's the beginning of what I hope to be a life changing experience.

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Colonoscopy and Chick F'ila

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"Make sure it's on toasted wheat bread"; is what I kept repeating until I was finally stuffing it down my throat with no attention to the disgusting sloppy sounds I was making. This is how the scene unfolded in the Chick f'ila drive through immediately following my colonoscopy. Now I have no recollection of this and perhaps it didn't really happen and it's a cruel joke being played on me by Jeff. The colonoscopy procedure wasn't bad at all, that's because I was totally unconscious. I think they had to give me a double dose to knock me out and keep me out long enough....hence the "not remembering" the chicken sandwich. It was the prep that almost sent me to my early grave. Has any else out there ever taken 4 ducolux, 2 Reglan, and drank a gallon of powerade loaded with 258 grams of Miralax? So you would think that all of that would have cleaned out my system in one or two foul (foul-smelling) swoops and I could have gone to bed and been ready...
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T'was the Day before Christmas

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It was the night (actually day) before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring to help mama clean, not even a mouse The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that someone who would help clean would soon be there The teenagers were nestled all snug in their beds while mama cooked, cleaned and slaved needing her meds And mama in her "kerchief" (WTF?) and dirty dishes in the sink I hoped for a miracle or at least a stiff drink! When out of nowhere there arose such a clatter I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter Down the hall I flew in a flash opened the door with a smash When what to my wondering eye should appear but two fighting teenagers over xbox and their gear I screamed out loud and moved so lively and quick and said there will be no presents from St. Nick! I've had it with you two They'll be no more fighting I'm through! More rapid that eagles their chores came I shouted them out by name Clean toilets, clean ...
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No Pain-No Gain? Yeah Right

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I have never experienced such pain and agony in my whole life. Birthing babies is a distant 2 nd . I should have been more prepared, heck I just shouldn't have done it! What was I thinking? I guess I thought I was willing to pay the price. I just had no idea it would be this painful. I got my lip waxed. How do these people do it? I thought, well I've been doing my eyebrows for years, this shouldn't be too much worse. WRONG! When she ripped that cloth of death off of my lip I cussed her like a sailor. (That was after I bitched slapped her) I tried to regain composure and apologized to the other clients who were in earshot. I did not apologize to the lady who did it because I think she was enjoying it way too much. Have you ever seen the movie 40 year old virgin? Do you remember the chest waxing scene? Well, that was me, expect I didn't yell Kelly Clarkson . I braced myself again as she began applying the molten hot wax to the other side of my upper lip. Now that...
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